Change of heart?

Posted on Jan 12, 2013 in Self Help |

Change of heart?

The relationship isn’t great and hasn’t been for some time. You give it a last chance. Can you really expect anything to change? Can you have a change of heart?

Often the last chance is about a change in behaviour. It is often a request, or a demand, that someone starts doing something, or stops doing something. But does that work, does it last, and most importantly does it lead to a more loving and satisfying relationship?

There is a problem with tackling relationship difficulties at the level of behaviour. If I ask you to act differently and you do, is it just an act? What happens if I ask you to do something and you don’t, or you forget? It’s like you are not even trying. This gets more to the heart of the problem.

It’s not so much what you say or do, although that is really important, it’s what you mean by what you say or do. It is the message that I receive as a result of your behaviour that really counts. So if you remember something I talked about, it feel’s like you are interested and that you care; if you know I worry about something and you reassure me, it feels like you understand me and you care; if you are thoughtful, it feels like you have noticed me and you care; if you have time for me, I feel supported and that you care. This is how actions speak louder than words, and it works both ways.

If something is going wrong in your relationship the most important question to ask is: what are my actions saying about how I feel in this relationship? Good relationships are about feelings: feeling good about myself, you and us. In good relationships there is caring, kindness and compassion. If your heart isn’t in it, then your relationship is in trouble.

Having a change of heart is about a change in the way you feel in your relationship, which leads to a change in the way you feel about your relationship. Many people feel lonely in their relationships, like they have drifted apart. If you can improve your connection you can grow closer.
You can make a start on improving your connection by taking small and simple actions. Here are 5 ideas to get you started:

  1. Remember to always say hello and goodbye to each other. This means being able to see your partner, not just calling out from another room. Even better, give each other a kiss hello and goodbye.
  2. Say at least one nice thing to your partner every day. It is easy to take each other for granted, so remember to say thankyou. This helps your partner to know what makes you happy, and do it again!
  3. Remember to stop what you are doing and listen. There is so much going on it is easy to talk to each other while not making eye contact. When you face each other and make eye contact the other person can see that you are listening, and you are more likely to make accurate responses.
  4. Go to bed at the same time at least three times a week. This helps provides opportunities for intimacy and physical contact that might be more difficult to find in busy lives.
  5. Find time to do things together. It’s important to maintain your connection as a couple by spending time doing things that you both enjoy.

If you want to give your relationship the best last chance, start rebuilding your connection with each other, and have a change of heart.